Unsolicited Uterus Update: Still Empty

I had a SUPER vivid dream this week, which almost never happens to me. Or at least, I almost never remember my dreams. Anyway, in said dream I was pregnant. Like super pregnant. And people's reactions to it were sort of the most hilarious part. The hubs was ecstatic. Liz, you were INSANELY mad at me. Like, taking it as a personal affront that I would do this to you.

Anyway, as I mentioned a few posts ago, I feel like everyone around me is having babies. I think when I mentioned it, I probably sounded like a petulant little kid, annoyed (like Liz) that people would be doing this to me. I don't want to be old enough for all my friends to be parents! I don't want to stop being a mostly irresponsible asshole! The truth is, though, I really couldn't be happier for all the parents and soon-to-be parents in my life. It does, of course, freak me out that I'm old enough to be a mom, and that sometimes when I see an especially cute kid, I do have a twinge of...what is that? maternal instinct? overactive ovaries? Then when the kid gets hysterical, I feel a wave of relief that I'm not actually its mom.

The hubs and I sometimes talk about having kids, as a sort of "yeah...someday we should do that" kind of thing. Or we'll see one of those cute kids pre-hysteria and joke about kidnapping it. (There was a blonde two year old girl at the hubs's family camping trip this year that spoke French. I was concerned we might make it back to Chicago and I actually would discover her in the trunk.) Given how much fear it strikes in me to even wake up from a dream where I was preggers, I wonder if I'll ever think "yes, this is the time. we are totes ready to be ONE HUNDRED PERCENT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE WELFARE OF ANOTHER, HELPLESS HUMAN BEING." I'm guessing no? I don't even take very good care of my own damn self. But I guess we'll probably do it anyway. Someday. A long, long time from now.

Year in Review

2009 was, as predicted, a big year for me. I'm married. I'm no longer a student. I'm a lawyer. I live in Chicago. I'm renting a car tomorrow, and not paying any special underage fee.

Of course, things never go exactly as you imagine they will, and 2009 is no exception. I didn't start my job in September, like I expected to. So while I'm a lawyer, I still have yet to actually, you know, practice law. This means, among other things, I continue to live more or less like a student, only with even more credit card debt. It also means I don't own a home. I am right now less financially stable than I have ever been.

Also in 2009, I lost two of my grandparents. I don't know what to say about that, except that Christmas is always harder when you've recently lost someone. I miss them both very much.

Also unexpected was the amount of travel I got to do. I saw parts of this country I wasn't sure I'd ever see, and I got a better tan than I've had since I was a little kid who basically lived at the local swim club. I hiked in some of the most beautiful places on earth and I ate some of the most delicious foods and I fell in love with my husband all over again.

It's also been a transformative year for those around me. My husband left his job in financial services, likely never to return again. My dad started a new career as a teacher, and has hit a few bumps in that road. My mom was finally diagnosed with anemia, and, with treatment, has become a real person again. My sister graduated from college, moved to the big city, got smacked around by the economy, and is in the process of moving home again.

All in all, it's been a really important year with the happiest happies and the saddest sads. I think I'll look back on it sort of wistfully some day, but for right now, it sort of just makes my stomach hurt to think about. I hope 2010 is nothing like it.

In keeping with the spirit of last year's new year post, I will immortalize some resolutions, most of which will look familiar.

1. I will value my health, meaning I will eat mindfully and exercise. I will consider this an investment in my health rather than a means to weight-loss.
2. I will work hard at my career, including being committed to pro bono work, but I will also be fully present at home when I am at home. No matter how many hours I feel I have to bill, I will bill them and then stop thinking about them.
3. I will do a better job of showing the people in my life how much I love them and how important they are to me.
4. I will not bring "throwaway" items into my house. I will stop buying cheap crap which I will just have to replace soon anyway and instead save up to buy something more worthwhile, substantial, and lasting.

5. I will take control of my finances. I will not, out of fear or disinterest, let my husband or fate make my decisions for me. I will be fiscally responsible, save for my future and pay down our debts as quickly as possible, but still have a little fun.

I'm not sure what will become of this blog in 2010. Kate Gets a Job is far less interesting to me than whatever it is we've been doing here for the last 7 months.

in the spirit

I'm currently listening to some Christmas music (did you hear about the free! Holiday Sampler on iTunes? If not, now you have: go download it immediately.) and baking Christmas cookies, getting ready to wrap Christmas presents. I can't believe Christmas is next week. NEXT. WEEK. Where did 2009 go? So much happened and yet I still feel like it all just rushed past me like the streets rush past the window of the el. (See what I did there? CHICAGO REFERENCE!)

The hubs and I are doing the Christmas gauntlet yet again (7 days, 5 cities, 3 Christmases) despite swearing up and down last year was the last time. I don't know what to say about it except that, while I'm annoyed about driving all over God's creation, I'm also glad to have so many people worth going to see and who will be happy to have me. It's cases like this where I'm tempted to say "it is what it is" but when other people say that, I get irritated because, seriously, what does that even MEAN? In what way is that ever a valuable thing to say? So anyway, I will refrain from saying it myself.

It's been cold in Chicago, but not cold-cold, so I feel pretty lucky there. I'm just bracing myself for the onslaught of inhuman, unbelievable cold-cold. The city is still a bit overwhelming, but every time I start to feel like maybe we made a big mistake and I ought to just run back to mid-size cities for the rest of my life, something happens to make me really glad we're here.

I mean, really, what's not to love?

also thankful...

for the way my family says Thanksgiving, with the emphasis on the fist syllable: THANKsgiving.

thankful

My dog got hit by a car, bounced about 10 feet off the bumper, and has NO DISCERNIBLE INJURIES. No wonder the damn dog doesn't have any fear of anything: she's indestructible. I am thankful for her continued existence and for her joie de vivre.

I'm at my grandmother's house, lounging, cooking, and prepping for Thanksgiving tomorrow. I am so thankful for my family. This holiday will be a bit bittersweet, because we can't help but feel the absence of my granddaddy, but I also am thankful to have the family that is here--and to have had the time with him that I did.

I am thankful to have great friends in my life. I am thankful especially for my dear friends Kurt and Jamie who are getting married Friday after TEN YEARS together, my dear friends Nick and Phil who are letting me stay in their apartment while they're away, and my dear friend Liz without whom I never would have made it to being a real live lawyer, and who is about to be our new roommate.

I am thankful to have my health. It's something I take too much for granted most days. My friend EJ had a heart attack last week at the age of 26. He's doing fine, but that combined with seeing my grandfather just before his death reminds me that I ought to more appreciate every miraculous thing my body can do. Run! Jump! Cook! Type! See! Smell! And good god, eat! I mean, just the blood coursing through my veins and the breath going in and out is pretty spectacular. I am thankful for that.

I am thankful to still have a job waiting for me, making way more money than any reasonable 25 year old makes. A lot has changed at the firm in the last year, and a lot has changed in the economy at large, and I am grateful for what I still have.

Also, (gross out alert) I am so, so thankful for my amazing husband. He's my my partner, my comic relief, my touchstone to sanity, and my best friend. I love you, Thomas. I'm sorry we have to spend this Thanksgiving apart. (As a bonus, the hubs comes with a fabulous in-laws package, for which I am also very thankful.)

I am thankful for so much this holiday. How spectacular is it that we have an entire holiday devoted just to eating and gratitude?

Onward and Upward

First, I want to say thank you to those of you who reached out to me when you heard about my Granddaddy. It means a lot to have such caring friends, and my family and I really appreciate all your well-wishes. Chris, as per usual, has put my feelings in to words better than I ever could, so I'll just direct you to her post.

The hubs and I are moving December 1, and I can't wait to settle into a routine. To have all my clothes accessible to me. To wake up morning after morning and not have to drive somewhere. To cook! With my own pots and pans! To take my ridiculous dog for a walk in the brutal Chicago winter morning. To find a new gym, get a new library card, a new hairdresser. To clean a bathtub. To do all the boring, annoying, fun things that you have to do when you live somewhere.

As Amy said in a comment, this has been a year of really high highs and really low lows. It has been some of the best times of my life, and yet I can't tell you how ready I am for 2009 to be over.

Granddaddy Roy

This afternoon, my Granddaddy Roy died. He was a pretty amazing and hilarious guy. He believed he could fix anything, and cheaper. He'd give you directions and send you the absolute shortest distance possible--even if it meant the drive would take twice as long, just to save you half a mile. He golfed 3 or 4 times a week. He used to tell us scary stories and offer to sell us to our grandmother for a quarter (a real bargain, if you ask me). He was a WWII veteran and a product of the GI Bill. He made burgers I thought were about the most delicious thing I'd ever eaten. We was gruff and sometimes harsh, but he was a good man.

He started going blind 7 years ago due to a blood clot which cut off circulation to his eyes. Losing the ability to drive and get around easily was hard on him, I think, but he was bound and determined to keep every bit of his independence he could. Late last year, he fell and broke his pelvis outside the gym where he was doing his daily stationary biking and never fully recovered. This year, he started losing lucidity.

So, today, my grandfather died. I am so thankful to have known him, and to have had a real relationship with him. I am so thankful to have been able to say goodbye to him yesterday. I loved him very much.



This is him with his wife of 59 years, my Grandma Una. Weren't they a dashing couple? Please be thinking of her this week. I don't exactly know how she does it, but my grandmother is a force of nature and she will need every ounce of strength she can get.

the next chapter

Thank you to all of you who sent condolences on the death of my grandmother. Honey was a brilliant and, frankly, at times difficult woman. At her core, though, I think she was really a woman who just wanted people to love her and wasn't ever quite sure how to make it happen. In that process, I think she sometimes missed the fact that we were all going to love her anyway. She also was a woman, much like myself, who KNOWS her sweets. Anywhere I go, I know where all the ice cream places in a 5 mile radius are--and that's just straight genetics. Her favorite was a butterfinger blizzard, and if you can, you should go get one today: it'sMiracle Treat Day--buy a blizzard and it benefits children's hospitals. A miracle. I think it's a sign. Anyway, I miss her already.

My Danda, her husband of 55 years, has been ill as I mentioned. He has not, however, lost his sense of humor. I asked him how he was? "I was all right, but I got over it." When a neighbor came to express her condolences (a totally adorable old woman) after she left? "What a twit. You'd be playing chess with the King of Poland and she'd bring a Parcheesi set." And of course, of the nursing home rehab where he's currently staying? "I ain't gonna be there long...nice people, but too damn many rules." Please continue to keep him in your thoughts, so that he gets stronger and can (safely) go home soon.

Also, a special shout-out to my Aunt Denise and Uncle Tom who, by virtue of both their proximity and borderline sainthood have shouldered waaayyy more than their fair share of the work involved in caring for our aging family. I honestly don't know what we would do without them, but I'm glad I won't have to find out.

Honey insisted that we have a wake, and as far as I know, her only request was that there be only top-shelf liquor. We honored her request (of course) and told stories and laughed and cried. Mourning is always made a little easier with a pretty spectacular fam and a couple vodka lemonades.

But anyway, the hubs and I are back home and currently packing to move out of our place here. And by "packing," I mean, watching the professional movers pack. This is our first professional move, since the firm is paying for it, and let me tell you: it's way better than doing it yourself. For example, I am sitting here blogging while a nice young man with full sleeves (definition link included for you, Dad) puts all our (sweet new wedding gift) dishes into boxes.

So tomorrow we're loading up our car with everything (hopefully) we're going to need for the next couple months and hitting the road tomorrow. First stop: our hometown.

Honey

This is my grandmother, Mary Jane, known better to us grandkids as Honey. She died last night of a stroke.

She was a voracious reader, and when I was a kid and she was in better health, the best part of every visit was our trip to Joseph Beth. She'd buy us each a book and we'd have lunch in the cafe. It was magical.

We love you, Honey.