kate gets pwned.

I can't believe it's been over two months since I updated. The last two months at work have been just insane for me, and it means that on weekends and in the evenings, I either want to hang out with the hubs or just veg and not have to put together any coherent thoughts. I guess the good news about all that is that I am not worried about job security, at least not anytime soon. And given the economy at large, that's a good spot to be in.

I'm feeling a little low on creative juices, but maybe I'll return with something good soon.

Too Close to Home

I read an article in the last couple weeks (I don't remember what or where, or I'd link) that mentioned, sort of off-handedly, that lawyers are people who were good at everything all their lives, but never really great at anything. (I think the thrust of the article was that, then, in order to really excel in their careers, lawyers need to break out of that, specialize and market themselves as experts in a particular niche, but none of us want to do that....that's not really the point here anyway.)

So it just stuck. in. my. brain. Because it's so absurdly true of me, and of most of the lawyers I know. But one of the things I always thought was, well, if I can be good at all this shit, maybe I can be a great lawyer.

What's been in part frustrating for me about my job is that, definitionally, a BIG part of what it means to be "great" at it is being available. All the time. Working nights. Working weekends. Answering emails late. Going in to the office even if you hadn't planned to. It's not even going above and beyond because it's expected. In fact, it's required. I don't know how to get away from that, especially because I work at a firm that's now (allegedly) one of the least demanding in that way in the city. As I think I said before, I work in an area of the law that doesn't lend itself super-easily to non-firm practice, at least not before you're well above my pay grade (like 15 years senior to me), so there don't seem to be a ton of options for hopping off the treadmill. And that freaks me the fuck out.

Laying Down the Law

Being a lawyer is kind of awesome, at times. The last week has been sort of insanely busy and hectic and stressful and I have to admit, I am very glad it's over. But I also learned a lot this week and got to work on a pretty interesting case and be a valuable member of a team. So it's not all bad.

When I was in law school, I always thought it would be hard to have really good opposing counsel. It turns out, that's the EASIEST possible scenario. When opposing counsel is good--which is to say, prepared, knowledgeable, and, you know, at least a little smart--it makes my life a LOT easier. It's when opposing counsel are, as my mentor says, "jokers," that things get complicated.

I work in a relatively specialized area of the law, but one that general practice lawyers are always convinced they can give a shot. When I'm having to go back to square negative-one to explain to the court WHAT THE LAW ACTUALLY SAYS because these jokers are just talking around in circles, or asking for things the COURT CANNOT ACTUALLY DO, or even saying things that are JUST STRAIGHT UP LIES, it wastes a lot of time I could actually be arguing the issues. Which is something I hadn't thought about until I actually had to do it.

It's also interesting reading press coverage of cases I'm actually working on, which has now happened a couple of times. Like the opposing counsel jokers, it turns out journalists often just don't get what the law actually says, but at least they seem to care about the fact that they don't know rather than just going with whatever they think makes the most sense. It is kind of cool to see people care about the stuff that I do, regardless.

Also on my mind: how is seriously everyone getting preggers? I am not ready to be of an age where my friends all have kids. Unsolicited uterus update: still blissfully empty.

turn smile shift repeat

So I'm now a full month into my job. And it's...I mean, it's job. There's a reason they have to pay you to go to jobs (and in my case, arguably overpay) and the reason is they all suck a little. But I spent three years--three miserable years--of my life telling myself that if I could just get through those three years, then I would get to be a lawyer. And being a lawyer was going to be awesome.

And some things about it are kind of awesome. There's a lot of problem-solving. I get to be a part of a team way more than I anticipated, which I unexpectedly sort of love. Plus, I get to give legal advice. There's something about that which is totally weirdly satisfying. I also think the issues I'm dealing with are pretty interesting in a majorly nerdy way. And those sweet, sweet lawyer paychecks certainly don't hurt.

But then. But then. I'm working kind of a lot, and there's a lot of pressure for me to be working even more. My employer laid a ton of people off in the last year, and there's a lot of anxiety about when or if they might be laying off more. There's a lot of tension about who's working what kind of hours and whether we ought to be doing this or doing that. Incidentally, in a total fluke, I happen to be in one of the busiest groups at my firm, but even I had a super slow day this week which caused me to have a "well shit, if I can't even get work in this group, I might as well pack it in now."

On top of that, I have no idea if I'm doing even a passable job. I get feedback in the "here, make these edits and then send it to the client" kind of way, but not in the "yeah, you're a pretty good beginning lawyer" kind of way. I guess they hired me on the basis of the work I did last summer, which must not have sucked, but then sometimes I get some pretty negative feedback (one partner, for whom I do the majority of my work, had to remind me to "mind the small things"....I shut the door to my office and cried.) and it's like....this? This is what I'm doing with my life? Why??

Oh, not to mention there's no exit strategy. I'm in a sort of niche area, and there's not really a lot to do from here, even if there were available legal jobs out there.

Maybe part of the problem is that I have always been relentlessly, disgustingly goal-oriented. I worked hard in high school to get a scholarship to college. Check. I worked hard in college to get into a great law school. Check. I worked hard in law school to get a firm job. Check. Now that I have that job I have sort of a feeling of a ship at sea. Now what? I had thought I'd be on a sort of partnership track, and maybe in a few months I'll decide that is what I want, but right now, the idea of working at this same place doing this same work until I retire makes me want to put knives in my eyeballs. The idea of billing 2000+ hours a year and taking a blackberry on vacation and always being on call makes me want to quit today. But that great law school didn't come cheap, so I guess for at least the next 10 or so years, I'm just going to have to suck it up.

out of touch

I have never been the kind of person who's really good at staying in touch with people. There are a number of reasons why this is a flaw in my personality, but I'll skip over them to the punchline: I should stop it. It's a result of this flaw that I have very few people I keep in touch with from high school and college.

Keeping in touch is a weird thing anyway, in the Facebook Era. I mean, I know exactly what basically every member of my high school class is doing now--both in terms of their careers and education and families, and in terms of what they had for lunch or what color their bra is. (That is a whole different post, which will likely never get posted.) But do I actually speak to any of them? Basically no.

For a long time, I thought of this as thoughtful pruning. And, to some extent, I still do. I have no time in my life for people who aren't pretty awesome. Everybody has to deal with a number of not-that-awesome people every day--as part of our jobs, our commutes, our web-surfing, our grocery shopping, whatever the fuck it is we do all day--and I like to keep that to an absolute minimum. Seems fair. But what got thrown out with that bathwater are all the people that I really like but just somehow never made time for. Or people that I made time for at one point in my life and just stopped later because of distance or laziness.

So this is my resolution: to be a better friend. I'd even share a milkshake. Maybe. Probably not 3 ways, though. I take my ice cream more seriously than that.

an open letter to the man with the office across the alley from mine

Dear man with the office across the alley from mine:

Have you noticed that we can see directly into one another's offices? Because I will tell you what, I have. I have also noticed that you play a LOT of Freecell and Hearts. I'm sorry your job's so boring.

Oh, hey, can I ask you a favor? I'm sure I can. Will you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD fix the picture frames on your wall? I see you have many fancy diplomas presumably for your many fancy degrees all nicely framed but ALL OF YOUR DAMN FRAMES ARE CROOKED AND MISALIGNED.

Your OCD neighbor,
Kate