turn smile shift repeat

So I'm now a full month into my job. And it's...I mean, it's job. There's a reason they have to pay you to go to jobs (and in my case, arguably overpay) and the reason is they all suck a little. But I spent three years--three miserable years--of my life telling myself that if I could just get through those three years, then I would get to be a lawyer. And being a lawyer was going to be awesome.

And some things about it are kind of awesome. There's a lot of problem-solving. I get to be a part of a team way more than I anticipated, which I unexpectedly sort of love. Plus, I get to give legal advice. There's something about that which is totally weirdly satisfying. I also think the issues I'm dealing with are pretty interesting in a majorly nerdy way. And those sweet, sweet lawyer paychecks certainly don't hurt.

But then. But then. I'm working kind of a lot, and there's a lot of pressure for me to be working even more. My employer laid a ton of people off in the last year, and there's a lot of anxiety about when or if they might be laying off more. There's a lot of tension about who's working what kind of hours and whether we ought to be doing this or doing that. Incidentally, in a total fluke, I happen to be in one of the busiest groups at my firm, but even I had a super slow day this week which caused me to have a "well shit, if I can't even get work in this group, I might as well pack it in now."

On top of that, I have no idea if I'm doing even a passable job. I get feedback in the "here, make these edits and then send it to the client" kind of way, but not in the "yeah, you're a pretty good beginning lawyer" kind of way. I guess they hired me on the basis of the work I did last summer, which must not have sucked, but then sometimes I get some pretty negative feedback (one partner, for whom I do the majority of my work, had to remind me to "mind the small things"....I shut the door to my office and cried.) and it's like....this? This is what I'm doing with my life? Why??

Oh, not to mention there's no exit strategy. I'm in a sort of niche area, and there's not really a lot to do from here, even if there were available legal jobs out there.

Maybe part of the problem is that I have always been relentlessly, disgustingly goal-oriented. I worked hard in high school to get a scholarship to college. Check. I worked hard in college to get into a great law school. Check. I worked hard in law school to get a firm job. Check. Now that I have that job I have sort of a feeling of a ship at sea. Now what? I had thought I'd be on a sort of partnership track, and maybe in a few months I'll decide that is what I want, but right now, the idea of working at this same place doing this same work until I retire makes me want to put knives in my eyeballs. The idea of billing 2000+ hours a year and taking a blackberry on vacation and always being on call makes me want to quit today. But that great law school didn't come cheap, so I guess for at least the next 10 or so years, I'm just going to have to suck it up.

out of touch

I have never been the kind of person who's really good at staying in touch with people. There are a number of reasons why this is a flaw in my personality, but I'll skip over them to the punchline: I should stop it. It's a result of this flaw that I have very few people I keep in touch with from high school and college.

Keeping in touch is a weird thing anyway, in the Facebook Era. I mean, I know exactly what basically every member of my high school class is doing now--both in terms of their careers and education and families, and in terms of what they had for lunch or what color their bra is. (That is a whole different post, which will likely never get posted.) But do I actually speak to any of them? Basically no.

For a long time, I thought of this as thoughtful pruning. And, to some extent, I still do. I have no time in my life for people who aren't pretty awesome. Everybody has to deal with a number of not-that-awesome people every day--as part of our jobs, our commutes, our web-surfing, our grocery shopping, whatever the fuck it is we do all day--and I like to keep that to an absolute minimum. Seems fair. But what got thrown out with that bathwater are all the people that I really like but just somehow never made time for. Or people that I made time for at one point in my life and just stopped later because of distance or laziness.

So this is my resolution: to be a better friend. I'd even share a milkshake. Maybe. Probably not 3 ways, though. I take my ice cream more seriously than that.

an open letter to the man with the office across the alley from mine

Dear man with the office across the alley from mine:

Have you noticed that we can see directly into one another's offices? Because I will tell you what, I have. I have also noticed that you play a LOT of Freecell and Hearts. I'm sorry your job's so boring.

Oh, hey, can I ask you a favor? I'm sure I can. Will you PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD fix the picture frames on your wall? I see you have many fancy diplomas presumably for your many fancy degrees all nicely framed but ALL OF YOUR DAMN FRAMES ARE CROOKED AND MISALIGNED.

Your OCD neighbor,
Kate

hey, guess who it is? it's your butt. hey butt.

So I debated posting this at all, because there's so much judgment about women's bodies out there, and I have tried to avoid that minefield as much as possible. Nonetheless, whatever else this blog is, it ought to be about my experiences is and the fact is this: I have gained a lot of weight. (Since the wedding. How cliched is that?) And I'm uncomfortable at my new weight. Not because there's something bad or gross or wrong with it but because it's new and none of my damn clothes fit anymore.

In fact, if it weren't for the fact that none of my damn clothes fit, I probably wouldn't have even noticed at all. I look more or less the same, and while I'm out of shape, I've certainly been thin and out of shape in my life. (Why hello there, 15 year old Kate. I notice you're approximately 80 lbs lighter than I am right now and yet can barely squeak out the 14 minute mile required not to fail phys. ed.)

But, since none of my damn clothes fit, and because I'm starting work next week and I haven't worked during the winter since 2006, I needed new clothes. New business clothes. Fast.

The most jarring thing about the weight I've gained is that it was just enough to cause me to "size out" of most of my old favorite stores. I'm sure for a lot of people (most people?) this is demoralizing or something, but for me, it just fucking pisses me off. I am a consumer. I want to purchase your goods. WHY CAN'T YOU MAKE THEM FOR ME??? I mean, I knew this was a problem--I read the blogs--but there's a difference between knowing there's a problem and experiencing it in all its painful glory.

What's maybe just as irritating is how ghettoized buying clothes is for people my new size. Seriously, who thought up the term "Plus Size?" Yes, it's the number of my old size PLUS FOUR!! Isn't that fun? Also, WOMAN. Somehow WOMAN is code for "fattie" in the biz. There's Michael Kors, then there's Michael Kors WOMAN. There's the Macy's women's department and then there's Macy's WOMAN. Oh, also, did you know we also have our own sizing numbers and letters? That's a whole different fun learning experience.

Anyway, I finally did find a few retailers who would deign to sell to me, though I am now my old size plus four, but the whole ordeal left me totally exhausted and annoyed and angry and sad. And I came home to check Jez, and what do I find? This spread, from V Magazine's forthcoming January issue.

And you know what? It made me feel better. Isn't that weird? I don't think fashion has ever made me feel better. It's HOTT. It made me feel a little hotter, even in my WOMAN pants. I didn't think it was possible for fashion photography to make ME feel hotter. The models are airbrushed, sure, but like...they have rolls! But they're still hot! And maybe more importantly, they're still supposed to be hot!

A few of my faves, in case you didn't click through:



Thanks, Jez, and V Magazine. I needed that.

(The title is from this ad, if you didn't recognize it. I seriously love that couple. Can they get a sitcom deal? Come on, the Geico cavemen got one!)

best of 2009

Best trip: ROAD TRIP.

Best restaurant experience: Sprout. Seriously, best meal of my life.

Best book (fiction or non-fiction): Lolita.

Best night of the year: My wedding.

Best day of the year: Thomas's birthday- Portland, OR.

Wildest day of the year: St. Louis.

Best day of work: I didn't really "work" in 2009. So there's that.

Best challenge: bar exam. Is that a best? Ugh, it sort of doesn't feel like it.

Best place: Glacier National Park.

Best car ride: SF to Yosemite. "hey mom, I PASSED THE BAR."

Best learning experience: recession + crushing student loan debt = new lessons in attempted frugality.

Best gift: flowers and omelets October 11.

Best purchase of the year: does the road trip count as a purchase? does my J.D? assuming not, my favorite pair of jeans.

Best insight or ah-ha moment: If it's a business, it's going to operate like a business, no matter what else they try to tell you. Wait, that's too cynical. How about this: it's a big, beautiful world out there and I'm just lucky to be living in it. Yes, that's better.

Taken from my cuz, the incomparable EA.

Year in Review

2009 was, as predicted, a big year for me. I'm married. I'm no longer a student. I'm a lawyer. I live in Chicago. I'm renting a car tomorrow, and not paying any special underage fee.

Of course, things never go exactly as you imagine they will, and 2009 is no exception. I didn't start my job in September, like I expected to. So while I'm a lawyer, I still have yet to actually, you know, practice law. This means, among other things, I continue to live more or less like a student, only with even more credit card debt. It also means I don't own a home. I am right now less financially stable than I have ever been.

Also in 2009, I lost two of my grandparents. I don't know what to say about that, except that Christmas is always harder when you've recently lost someone. I miss them both very much.

Also unexpected was the amount of travel I got to do. I saw parts of this country I wasn't sure I'd ever see, and I got a better tan than I've had since I was a little kid who basically lived at the local swim club. I hiked in some of the most beautiful places on earth and I ate some of the most delicious foods and I fell in love with my husband all over again.

It's also been a transformative year for those around me. My husband left his job in financial services, likely never to return again. My dad started a new career as a teacher, and has hit a few bumps in that road. My mom was finally diagnosed with anemia, and, with treatment, has become a real person again. My sister graduated from college, moved to the big city, got smacked around by the economy, and is in the process of moving home again.

All in all, it's been a really important year with the happiest happies and the saddest sads. I think I'll look back on it sort of wistfully some day, but for right now, it sort of just makes my stomach hurt to think about. I hope 2010 is nothing like it.

In keeping with the spirit of last year's new year post, I will immortalize some resolutions, most of which will look familiar.

1. I will value my health, meaning I will eat mindfully and exercise. I will consider this an investment in my health rather than a means to weight-loss.
2. I will work hard at my career, including being committed to pro bono work, but I will also be fully present at home when I am at home. No matter how many hours I feel I have to bill, I will bill them and then stop thinking about them.
3. I will do a better job of showing the people in my life how much I love them and how important they are to me.
4. I will not bring "throwaway" items into my house. I will stop buying cheap crap which I will just have to replace soon anyway and instead save up to buy something more worthwhile, substantial, and lasting.

5. I will take control of my finances. I will not, out of fear or disinterest, let my husband or fate make my decisions for me. I will be fiscally responsible, save for my future and pay down our debts as quickly as possible, but still have a little fun.

I'm not sure what will become of this blog in 2010. Kate Gets a Job is far less interesting to me than whatever it is we've been doing here for the last 7 months.

That was way harsh, Tai

So, as you either know about by now or absolutely won't care about once I tell you, Brittany Murphy died at the age of 32 this week. It's hard to say why I'm as upset about this as I am--celebrity deaths rarely affect me, and it's not as though I was a HUGE Brittany Murphy fan so that this just brings my world tumbling down.

Part of it is that she was in two of my most favorite movies of all time, and two that were pretty formative for me. The first of those, Clueless, was her breakout role and one of her best-known. She's fabulous in it.

The second is Drop Dead Gorgeous, where she plays Lisa Swenson, a misfit not totally unlike Tai, her character from Clueless. Sort of awkward, very sweet, always hilarious.

Both Clueless and Drop Dead Gorgeous were huge movies for me. They shaped my sense of humor, my sense of style, maybe even my sense of self the way that movies only can before you graduate from high school. And in both cases I related way more to the Brittany Murphy character than the pretty blonde protagonist (Alicia Silverstone and Kirsten Dunst, respectively). They're silly high school movies, but at the same time they're subversively funny and with great heart. One of them is almost always my go-to when I'm having a bad day and want to watch something fun.

As has been well documented across the internet, after those movies she got very blonde and very very thin and started playing more ingénue types. People speculated that she was doing a lot of drugs or developed anorexia. People have, of course, speculated that one or both of these things caused her death.

It just makes me sad that, whatever happened, the world lost such a great comic actress and such a part of my teenage life. It also breaks my heart and turns my stomach how the entertainment shows and magazines and blogs all assume it was drugs or disordered eating and, frankly, we don't know. We don't know her life or her husband or her medical history. Why can't we just remember fondly her bizarre, hilarious, snorting kind of giggle? Or at least keep our damn mouths shut until we actually KNOW something--anything?

Anyway, as Kevin Smith apparently tweeted, Brittany, I hope you're rolling with the homies somewhere nice. I'll miss you.