reevaluation

So this article (and the comments that follow it--really worth the read if you're interested and have time) sparked a discussion with a friend, and a lot of thinking on my part. I have been posting a bit about my eating/working out habits and frankly, though light-heartedly, beating myself up about them.

Here's the thing: I have a very strange relationship with my weight, as I'm guessing every American woman (and a lot of men) does, if she doesn't have a downright bad one. As a result, I have a tense relationship with food. I love it. I love it in large quantities. But I feel bad about loving it, and I feel bad about eating it. Particularly in large quantities. There's something very frustrating and heartbreaking about the idea that both of those things are simultaneously true and that it's so, so common AND that the entire culture feeds it. (See, e.g., the phrase "sinfully delicious.") And I want more than anything to STOP feeling bad about it. I want more than anything to stop and think, nah, I'd really rather have a nice salad because I WANT A FUCKING SALAD and not because I think I can't have the burger that I really want. OR to order the burger and not being thinking about how I should have really ordered that salad instead because I'm a big greasy lardass. (Well, I am greasy, because I desperately need a shower, but that's another post.) And I want people to shut the fuck up about how "unhealthy" it is to be fat. And because, of course, Kate Harding says it best, I'll just link.

Anyway, this is a rambling, likely incoherent missive and basically what I want to say is this: I am sorry if my self-talk has made you think negatively about yourselves. I know it has made me feel negatively about me, and thus I am going to try to stop it. I can't promise I'll be perfect, but I really am going to try.