unsolicited uterus update: empty

Well, hilariously, I had my very first pregnancy scare two weeks after I got married. (Wait, Dad, that's not hilarious--that's the first possible time it could have happened. Fuck it, you might want to stop reading now.) Anyway, yes, the first time I convinced myself that I was preggers, it was the first time it wouldn't have given my grandmothers heart attacks. It would, however, have given me one.

Here's a tip, friends: when they say the pill is 99% effective, that only is true if you are absolutely psycho religious about taking it at exactly the same time every day. (The actual overall effectiveness rate is somewhere around 90%. HOW FRENCHING SCARY IS THAT?!) And for the most part, I'm good about that, but with the wedding and traveling and whatnot, this month...not so much.

Anyway, normally, I wouldn't have thought much about it. And then I felt really nauseous and puked for no apparent reason last week. And I didn't think much of it. I mean, I thought it was weird, because I hadn't eaten anything bad and other than the nausea I didn't really feel that bad, but you know...I'm kind of a puker. (Though almost never without the influence of alcohol.) Anyway, I felt better pretty quickly afterward, and so I sort of forgot about it. I lived my life--with caffeine and alcohol (dear lord, lots of alcohol last Friday night) and though I didn't actually eat sushi, I totally would have.

Until, that is, my boobs got so unbelievably tender I would have thought I was 15 again. When I was 15 I had the worst PMS any human could possibly have. I got migraine headaches. I had crazy mood swings (well, crazier than regular 15 year old ones). And, of course, the boob soreness. At times I even avoided staircases for fear of jostling the ladies. When I was 16, I went on the pill, and like magic: I had a period like a regular person. Sometimes I even forgot it was coming!

Anyway, cut to Saturday night when I'm getting ready for bed and I have that familiar feeling: crazy-sore, swollen boobs. Boobs so sore I feel like even the weight of my t-shirt was crushing them. I commented to the hubs that it was weird, I hadn't felt like that since before BC...

And then it occurred to me. Holy shit. I'm pregnant.

And I felt...annoyed. I don't want to be pregnant right now. I don't want to be pregnant any time soon. I don't think I'm going to have health insurance soon (not health insurance that covers anything other than getting hit by an in-network bus, anyway). I like to drink. I like to stay out late with my friends. I like to have lots of friends who are about my age and don't have kids. I already am the freakish married one, now I'm going to be on the fast track to suburbia? Ugh. Speaking of the drinking, did I do what I did to myself last Friday night to myself AND a fetus? At what point do you worry about fetal alcohol syndrome? This has to happen with a lot of unplanned pregnancies, right? I'm not the freak terrible person who made her baby retarded because she HAD to have another Miller Lite, right? Oh, AND I'm not even starting work for 9 months, how can I afford this? Wait, I have to start work in 9 months, what am I supposed to just pop it out and get to work 3 days later, Sarah Palin style? I don't want a baby! This is so unfair! (Or totally fair, given the odds that it would happen.) But whatever, whyyyyy meee? It would be really weird to place a kid for adoption in my scenario, right? I mean, I have a stable home and relationship. Not to mention the fact that I'd be as big as a whale at Thanksgiving/Christmas and so the awkward questions from family who'd love to have another baby around would be so awful.

And abortion? I don't know--I mean, I'm not sure fetuses are people, but I'm also not sure they're not...so while I am 100% not judgy about others' choices (I actually think it's a sex equality issue: if we have all these potential decision makers--courts, state legislatures, etc.--why wouldn't we put the choice in the hands of the one person who will have to bear the most cost, whether financial, physical, or emotional? Because she's a woman? And the state's going to say she has to incubate this potential person at the expense of honoring her choices as a person? WTF? Anyway, this is a way-too-long aside y'all owe to Kitty MacKinnon.), I'm not 100% sure I could abort this fetus.

I'm a little surprised by how negative my own reaction was, honestly. The hubs and I have discussed having kids someday (probably in the 5-10 years from now range) and you know, we're married. We're a family. So this wasn't the plan...lots of things happen you don't plan for. But it was what it was, I guess.

So the hubs bought a test. (Keep in mind at this point I'm not yet late.) Negative. But only 83 percent effective at that point. Okay, well, I guess I can stop 83 percent of my worrying then.

And then I waited. Two solid days of only worrying I might be 17 percent pregnant. I expected my period last night. No dice. This morning, nothing. Noon, nothing. I went to have a beer thinking, well, I don't know for sure yet...this might be the last beer I get to have for a while. At the bar, it comes! Sweet relief! Another beer! Thank the lord: Kate Gets Her Period and we don't have to start Kate Gets Knocked Up.